sobota, 9. apríla 2011

the beginning of me&desteniiprocess

so.. before i started with my desteniiprocess{DIP}, I was a 'normal' human being' with 'my own' way of living , with 'my own' view on the things, with 'my own' happiness and 'my own' problems...

In my daily participations I would started my days off with a apparently 'happy' mood - basically autosuggested 'happy ME' , looking constantly for how to make myself  a significantly better person in front of others and in front of myself.. Even though there has been 'apparent' changes in my day by day living - there wasn't really any of self-realisation or anything which had actually some pure Sense for myself... i mean there was a Sense of : how would I do things - which i have seen & learned from others - how others do them , how others live .. So i thought - that , that is how it should be - i mean i would normally adapt / get used to or 'choose' to do things in the way how it was in the 'frequent' way of living - which contained  all the: 'stairs of success, building my self - physically, economically, learning from books from the writers  who were older [ and so i thought they are wiser than me , and I should learn from their experience], or just simply copy and modified the lifestyles of others [ especially the famous-ones] and so I would live my life in this 'normal way' - even though everybody does that exactly the same way - I would still feel special about myself , how did i personalized / how  I did it my way ... and so i have been doing that {copy and paste } a very large portion of my life - and so , I was apparently 'happy' with myself - I mean as soon as I did/learned things better than others - that would have mean that I was better ,and so I was  building my 'Own happy living'..
BUT when i met / started to watch /read Desteni material - I realize = That NONE of it was actually TRUTH... I mean FUCK - it was all for nothing , all that time I   was living in the 'FAT LIE ...'
In that time I was just on the boarder of "starting a New life , a New way of living , New lifestyle Again - because I realize that I m still/ always missing something / that I m not complete within me , and so I wanted to start Again some New life,that is how it felt.... [ constant INCOMPLETENESS within me ] ..because by than: I have already tried in my life to have a lot of money , and I tried to have a good job , and I tried to have the pretty ladies , and I tried  all that sex , and I wanted to try some more again and again / I mean thats how everybody around me lived , so I wanted to be 'IN' ,and  I wanted to be one of ALL [ accepted ] , didn't matter if it is in ARROGANCE , or  IN HAPPINESS or whatever else which is widely accepted and applied daily by all of us here on the planet ..
In the past : when i wanted something - I would normally get it /  for myself - however as soon as I achieve , as soon as I get it - in that particular moment[s] / the new desire would arise , and the apparent {completeness} was very short , and so I needed to speed up every time more & more .. because it was just the way it was - this is how I have learned it from others - 'THAT THE LIFE SHOULD BE THE CONSTANT BATTLE ....'
when I look at the things now - I can see where was all this going to .. To the lifetime spend in the constant battle based on the knowledge & informations which I pick up on the way and so I will apply it in my life as well ... Sometimes the experiences would be pretty and sometimes it would be sad , {positive & negative } .. It is very easy to see it now .. Basically 'just another brick in the wall' which will visit this 'life' this Earth in 'apparent awareness of one-self ...
I mean in other words - 'just another one who would live & enjoy this life without questioning of "What the fuck is going on ??" - "Is this how it should be??" -"Is this all there is??" - another one who will never really know "WHY AND HOW DID ONE GET HERE??" and "WHY THE THINGS ARE THE WAY THEY ARE??"  - by the way these questions i have nearly forgotten / because the 'normal' answer would be always : "JUST ENJOY -WHILE YOU ARE HERE.. or "DON'T YOU WORRY - LIFE IS TOO SHORT - ENJOY.."  and so I could get 'nicely' mislead or confused by others - just accepting the things how they are and  so : 'I would than Enjoy ' and 'Compete with others ' ...

'UUFFFff....'- the things changed very much when I get across the 'Desteni-message' --- I mean it was hard to understand at first - because I didn't really understand what they are saying, I have not take it serious at all than , it was more like 'just another information to me ' - ' just another way of living '{that time I was very much 'typically': "forever broken-hearded","working hard to get somewhere in my life","be somebody who would everyone respect"-especially after death ...and I was  studying spirituality, starting with meditation, starting new musician carrier and so on.... and occasionally i have been reading/watching 'Desteni articles...' usually before i went sleep - so it was just an 'Add-on' to my 'more important living'..
 ... BUT then ; when i realized that :  "I AM NOT THAT VOICE IN MY HEAD !!!"      
- THE THINGS STARTED TO GET NASTY FOR MYSELF - "nowI refer" to -"'MYSELF'": AS THAT VOICE IN THE HEAD /as THE EGO / as THE DEFENDER / as the PROTECTOR OF MY SELF CREATED PERSONALITY / better said [my 'unique' PERSONALITIES]  - which I have believed  IS ME ..... I actually really believed that - that WHO  is thinking and reasoning and putting Up the memories & pictures , and telling me what I actually AM is  ME!!!!
 Oooops ..and so : 'I was SO  identified with the inner voice  [s]  , 'I really and fully trusted MY INNER VOICE [S] , there actually wasn't another possibility , because nobody EVER has ever questioned this 'NATURE' OF MANKIND ...  I mean all the generations , all the history is talking about : "I THINK - THEREFORE I AM " or   we have ALL THIS GREAT 'THINKERS' , we have all trully honoured before , and learned from , have been guided by  " GREEKS PHYLOSOPHERS" , and the newest now would be the 'NEW AGE , THE famous LAW OF ATTRACTION' = 'THINK'  POSITIVE!!!! hahahaha   - WHAT A GREAT FUCK UP !!!
'Ooh my GOD' -  YEAH  and now  what about this  : the "GOD STORY"=shit -  all this  time  people had spend their lifetimes THINKING/BELIEVING 'and a lot of us still beLIEve'  that there is 'SOMETHING MORE' - THAT GOD EXIST !!!  
In the moment of this: MASSIVE CHANGE / REALIZATION within me"  - when I realized this - -when all of my past  - from perspective of "my own & unique personality"- FALL APART :  I just could understand it to the certain extent ,, and  actually  I was quiet OK , 'I mean my life was very 'colour-full'  till then - from perspective of 'extremity' of situations which I have lived already before - so I was not worried so much about myself , I was  shocked in the way, but OK ..:and I was in that moments  more preoccupied / worried  for others at first = especially my family and the older people .. "I really thought that this is just too "heavy" for others  to accept  .. especially for people who are : "strongly religious" , "teachers" , "people in love" , "people with more money / successful " , "or anyone who is very much identified within "OWN" reality" ...  

And so started the battle within myself   -  because it was not exactly easy to 'UN-identify' all the past , but  who is saying that it is 'NOT EASY' -IS NOT THE REAL ME -  
it  is actually again : " THE DEFENDER WITHIN "  .... 'the ONE WITH THE OPINIONS , " THE ILLusionary TRUTH BEARER ... ="short version is : {the destroyer of life }..  


- without this process - it has been a nightmare ! -
   thank you